Today I feel...

Blaaahhh!

The Crying Game

I was helping my uncle to his truck, because he has a foot problem, when he began to cry. It was crazy because no matter what anybody says a man is not supposed to cry. He was going on about how life was a bitch and all that and the whole time I'm trying to say "it's going to be okay" but I'm in shock. I've seen him do it before [that's why we call him Gay-Ray] and it was just as uncomfortable then as it was today. I think it was because men are supposed to be the stronge ones and if they are down like that then things seem hopeless. But in the great H family tradition we went on and pretended like nothing happened.

Jay-Ray is a prime example of a wasted life. I don't mean to be harsh but it's true. He was the sporty one in school who didn't get his lesson and go to college. He felt that a job was more important than an education, but failed to relize that jobs won't last forever. He failed, but worst of all he didn't try to get back up.

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.
- Dreams
Langston Hughes

IF- Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master;
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run--
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

Triste

I have no future. Maybe you should know that I was like all little children that tried to imagine how their lives would be, but unlike most all I saw was a black spot. That spot has been with me all through my young years and through my teens. I think that maybe it's death or maybe, worst of all, it's failure. Now I have reason to believe it is the latter because it seems that I will not be going to college.

See what has happened is that I have been denied by both of those people who are supposed to be my parents. I tried to get information from both of them so that I could fill out the FAFSA and get it out as quick as possible...My father told me to send it in blank and see what they will do. You know, I'm not mad at him that much because he's trying to get me more money because he makes too much for me to really get anything. But my mother on the other hand flipped out on me. I called her Thursday night and she agreed to have everything ready that I needed and seemed cool about the whole thing. I should've known betta. Yesterday, I was experiencing one of those down-to-the-soul tireds [a sign] and I had to drag myself home where I found out that Ollie had one of her crazy moments involving my father. She said that I need to talk to my daddy because she wasn't gonna fill out a damn thing and kept rambling about his GI Bill or something. That bitch. I talked to her this morning and she was using that loud tone of her's [like I needed to hear her from Houston] telling me that I need to 1) go over to my other grandmother's house and get his SSN and number or if that bitch [she was talking about my other grandmother] wouldn't give it to me 2) get it from my grandmother because she has it on some child support papers. "Monique you need to get things done in your life and stop waiting on me or Momma to do things. If ya want it you have to get it for ya self" That was one of those moments when I recognized that you could have dramatic irony in real-life because she doesn't know that I've already done all that and talked to my daddy. I so was drained that I actually cried [which is something only she can make me do] probably because she thinks so low of me and my abilities and because I actually counted on her to pull through and helped me out. I guess I hoped for too much.

So I have no money for college because I have nothing to put on the FAFSA. I'm gonna call Liz [stepmother] today and tell her about all this [she'll get a good laugh out of it] and see if she can put me back in touch with Rodney [in Kuwait]. I have to be able to count on at least one of them right? Maybe if you are reading this you can help me because I really needed it. You see that spot seems to be growing bigger as I think about....

MEDALS

Minority Enrichment and Development through Academic Leadership Skills. That's the program I attended a couple of weeks ago. We spent the night sleeping on a cold hardwood floor of a Rec Center and attended seminars and all that other good stuff that you do at conferences and it was fun BUT, get this, it was at Texas A&M. I know, I know fun-minority-and A&M don't usually mix into a perfectly balanced sentence, but trust me it does work itself out. I have never had so much fun in my life and [do I dare say it] it kinda made me change my mind about going to A&M [o, my God I said it]. I mean once you see your freshmen's admissions counselor stepping with his frat brothers you kinda see things in a new light. You see I had my racistly charged view of A&M and now I see that it isn't a place where you have to act differently than what you are to be accepted, but that you can show your color and be grasped even more tightly into the fold. Don't get me wrong, I know school isn't all about the partying, but I'm not fool enough to say that it isn't a good part of it.

I will sing "Killing Me Softly" -the Fugees version- so that I can enjoy how beautiful my voice can be and then reminisce about how things could be...I will enjoy the warm water a little too much and stay in a little too long....I will forget things exist outside...

Where does time go?

How long has it been? I've been meaning to write, but time flies, things add up, and things slip minds. Bad news- I've been rushing for the last two weeks with no sign of a let up. Good news- I got a J.O.B working at the Early Childhood down the street from the school at 5th and 7th period, which means I have to give up yearbook and creative writing >_< [aside: yes!]. I realized that I hate to write when I'm told and that I'm not good at yearbook because I mess up tooooo much and there are deadlines involved. I'll probably be getting minimum wage which is better than the no wage at all I'm receiving right now. Okay it's almost 12 and I still have to read for AP Govenment so I'll leave you with a list of the things I'll write about later. What's up YEN!!!

1. The MEDALS program I attended

Thank you and have a Good night,

~Monique~