Triste

I have no future. Maybe you should know that I was like all little children that tried to imagine how their lives would be, but unlike most all I saw was a black spot. That spot has been with me all through my young years and through my teens. I think that maybe it's death or maybe, worst of all, it's failure. Now I have reason to believe it is the latter because it seems that I will not be going to college.

See what has happened is that I have been denied by both of those people who are supposed to be my parents. I tried to get information from both of them so that I could fill out the FAFSA and get it out as quick as possible...My father told me to send it in blank and see what they will do. You know, I'm not mad at him that much because he's trying to get me more money because he makes too much for me to really get anything. But my mother on the other hand flipped out on me. I called her Thursday night and she agreed to have everything ready that I needed and seemed cool about the whole thing. I should've known betta. Yesterday, I was experiencing one of those down-to-the-soul tireds [a sign] and I had to drag myself home where I found out that Ollie had one of her crazy moments involving my father. She said that I need to talk to my daddy because she wasn't gonna fill out a damn thing and kept rambling about his GI Bill or something. That bitch. I talked to her this morning and she was using that loud tone of her's [like I needed to hear her from Houston] telling me that I need to 1) go over to my other grandmother's house and get his SSN and number or if that bitch [she was talking about my other grandmother] wouldn't give it to me 2) get it from my grandmother because she has it on some child support papers. "Monique you need to get things done in your life and stop waiting on me or Momma to do things. If ya want it you have to get it for ya self" That was one of those moments when I recognized that you could have dramatic irony in real-life because she doesn't know that I've already done all that and talked to my daddy. I so was drained that I actually cried [which is something only she can make me do] probably because she thinks so low of me and my abilities and because I actually counted on her to pull through and helped me out. I guess I hoped for too much.

So I have no money for college because I have nothing to put on the FAFSA. I'm gonna call Liz [stepmother] today and tell her about all this [she'll get a good laugh out of it] and see if she can put me back in touch with Rodney [in Kuwait]. I have to be able to count on at least one of them right? Maybe if you are reading this you can help me because I really needed it. You see that spot seems to be growing bigger as I think about....