From Chaos Calm

You have a higher tolerance for adversity You develop a high "EQ" You're a good caregiver You seek education You possess a high degree of emotional discipline

I found an article in Marie Claire magazine that says having a dysfunctional mother makes a better woman. [sorry guys now mention of you] Since my mother fits the magazine's definition of dysfunctional [...mothers plagued by the most serious emotional and behavioral problems....They're addicted to drugs or alcohol; they battle mental illness or abuse others, both verbally and physically...] I decided to read the article and I was amazed at how much of ME I found in the points you see in the box above. According to the article I can look forward to becoming a well rounded person because my mother...well...isn't.

1. "Because daughers of dysfunctional mothers face their mothers' erratic behavior every day, they know how to reason, how to stay calm, and how to negotiate. " They called it being "mini experts in deactivation conflict".

During "The Incident" summer before my freshman year in high school I remember cleaning my mother's apartment over and over again just to make sure she had nothing to get angry at. I remember setting the table where when you walked in the light over head would illuminate the flower arrangement underneath. The day of "The Incident" I remember locking my little brother outside so he wouldn't walk in her screaming and throwing things around...And it was all my fault.

2. " You become really strategic at handling stress, no matter what the setting."

When I stress, I do it to myself. I don't have to stress because my mind jumps around to much to stay on one thing so I just do it to feel normal.

3. I try to take care of everyone.

4. I told my cousin once not to worry about what anyone in this family says and do well in school so the teachers can praise you.

5. I'm good at hiding my feelings.

So according this I'm a great person. And I owe it all to my dysfunctional mother. Thanks Momma.

Martin Turning In His Grave

I had a dream that one day something would happen. But alas my dream has not come to pass and beings to fade from man's memory. For what did I take a bullet?

Mrs. Pasho asked us if we thought Martin Luther King was turning in his grave over the way Black people act now a days...To tell you the truth, I never thought about it. But the more I do, I see him trying to beat his way out of his resting place to criticize us the way Bill Cosby did for acting like a bunch of Niggas. At least I have just this little scence to no that whateva he says will be right and not call to arms against the mirror's reflection.

Just be silent. Shut Up God Damn IT! I don't know you and you can't tell me what the f@#~k to do, so get off my damn back. I have listened to you enough already and you have caused me great lose...Who are you? A shadow?...Because when I try to stomp you out, you move away ~ a futile chase...you're eternally ahead of me. I need a little break from your constant nagging entering my mind and sinking into my soul. Just go way...Go away

Thick and Thin

Race. The subject is everywhere I look these days. I don't know if I'm subconsciously looking for it or if the majority of people in this country are obsessed with it. Growing up in the South I have always noticed race, I noticed when I was a freshman that at lunch and in classrooms we segregated ourselve and no one seems to care. I read a blog that asked the question - Can minorities be prejudice? Well yes. I think we are the biggest racist there are in America next to the KKK. I see how white people tip toe around us because they're affraid to say something that would label them a racist. I think this gives us a sense of power. I'm black and I hear what people say about my race and I hear what my race says about others. In my AP Gov class Am I racist? See that's the question of the century...I try not to be, but with all the negativity I've grown up around I sometimes find myself saying things that make me wonder about myself. But actually I don't really care what race you are, if I hate you I'm going to hate you from the inside out.

Karma

Every single file is gone! It wiped out every music file in my warez shared folder including USHER!!! I have been collecting those files for the last four years and there is no way that I can get them back because there were thousands. But o well. It's just music. I can download some more, plus I didn't really listen to most of that crap anymore anyway. I'll see it as a new start...And a faster computer. Farewell old friends



想妳

Gemini Astrology

Bluffers are caught in their own web of deceit. There's somebody here who can see right through your game. That doesn't upset you at all. You're fascinated to meet a fellow thinker. If you ever get any closer, this person will surely keep you honest. As it is, your knowledge is impressive enough without stretching any boundaries. Friendly rivalry adds spice to your scene, whether it's winning a trivia duel or helping each other out of increasingly sticky situations. Imagine what you could do if you turned all of this cleverness and ingenuity toward more serious pursuits.

*my horoscope for today.

Step 1: One step at a time

Let things come slowly. I had to learn this the hard way. I have a problem with trying to look into the future. Whenever I start something new, I will spend more time thinking about where it will take me than actually doing that thing. And since I have the true personality of a gemini, I get bored and just stop. So step one in the Better Monique plan will be to stay in the present and watch things as they develope.

Expected Results

• Better results from my resolutions.
• A more realistic view of things
• The ability to savor the moment**

[deep breathe] Wish me luck.

Got my hair did today. It was a damn perm and boy I forgot how damn horrible those things are. I sat there while that woman pulled and scratched at my head and all I could think about was how good that cold water was going to feel when she washed it out. The pain was mostly my fault because I was scratching my head, which you're not supposed to do, before I got there and the perm got down into the little scratches and set my head on fire. Usually I can take it but not today. All this pain just to go to school in the morning for people I don't even like. O vanity, vanity , vanity

Well they're goin' to cut our phone off because someone's been making calls to England? We don't even know anyone who knows someone who lives in England. I know what it is though, it's this damn porno virus we have on our computer. Yea I said porno virus. It came up once and start dialing a number in England and I had to unplug the whole computer. Even if you delete the icons and folder it just comes back up. You know what I'm going to do, I'm gonna erase every god damn thing off this computer that wasn't on it when we got it. That's exactly what the fuck I'm gonna do. >_<

Black Cats

Lighting their tails. I love watching the fire make its way up like a snake in search of its seavered head, sparks flying. But this year there wasn't the familar scream of the Black Cat as the sparks reached its insides and made it explode. Not one pop, screech, or crackle to scare last years evil spirits away. Just a simple string of Black Cat fireworks would have done the trick, but seeing as my uncle johnny is a God damn prick who wouldn't take us to get that single string we are doomed to be consumed by last years creepy crawlly things. It wasn't a matter of money, because I still have 70 of the 75 dollars my daddy gave me plus 8 dollars in change in my piggy bank [Yeah so what if I still have a piggy bank]. Johnny just wanted to go get wasted and find him another ugly woman to stalk him two months from now. You see, to me, setting off those fire crackers is like letting lose all the tension of the year and all my self afflected stress. With each pop it's like a layer of anger, pain, and the dirt of existing is pilled away. But as if taking that away from me wasn't bad enough, my grandmother locked the front door so I couldn't go outside for my yearly starring up at sky and thinking/shouting/showing my ass session. She said she didn't want us to go outside because people were outside shooting guns, I said what's keeping the bullet from coming through the house, but logic never wins arguements. So today I'm really fucking agitated and ready to ponce on any-fucking-thing or any-fucking-one who gets in my god damn way. Whew, calm down Monique. Sorry guys.

Well, my mother is here in all her sailor tongued glory. She came with my uncle Willie to pick up my brother Domonique who stayed with us this last week. She came in screaming at my brother for not having all his clothes in his bag and crap like that. Then she had my aunt Patricia call up Kimma because Kimma took into her own hands the task of cutting Domonique's hair, that resulted in light plugs all over his head. Well, she told Kimma off, then I got on the phone and laughed at Kimma because I told her not to but she always thinks she's right [Like about putting songs on Tim's mp3 player]. She got mad. I got happy. I mean she was out having fun while me and Domonique stood around here getting screamed at so she needed a little unhappiness. Oh, my wicked wicked ways. While Ollie [my mother] and Patricia went our riding [ like teenagers] me and Domonique [ 8 years old] went outside and had a talk about our mother. He confessed to me that he hated her, but told him not to hate "her" but to hate her ways, that way he wouldn't go to hell. [I want him to be a firm believer in God] They came back and just a few minutes ago she gave me 5 dollars....What the hell am I gonna do with that? I need like 77 no make that 72 more dollars just to pay for my college class next semester and that's not including the books.

Wait let me get a bite of my Fruit Loops.....Okay, I'm back.

What else was I going to talk/write about...oh, yeah...The tsunami disaster. I can't stand that the news only cares about the American victims. They'll spend whole segments on a damn supermodel but give you five seconds about the other victims all together. I mean this is their 9-11 and they can't even have it to themselves. God. I understand why other countries hate us: We try to act like we care about others when we actually don't. I have to stop writing about this subject because I'm not good at this political stuff and I might say somethingto make myself look dumber.

Okay, Monique signing out. ^_^