The Accident...

I was sleeping, but I thought I was awake. All of a sudden the car began to shake and when I opened my eyes I saw a black road quivering in front of me and Shameika trying to regain control. The swerves became more violent, the first thought that crossed my mind was "O Lord, she fail asleep, too!" and the second was "How is this going to end?"

During my conscious life I have never been in an accident. I fear them, I look at all of the little crosses set out on the sides of roads and pray that there won't have to be one for me. Last night there was a particular air of dread. It was like I knew it was coming, especially on the way home like when we passed the 18 wheeler and held our breathes until it passed, I prayed then for our safety. The accident was in everything: the strange fog, the deep darkness...but I fail asleep and I wasn't watching.

I had the iPod and Shameika wanted to change the song, but instead of waking me she tried to find it in the dark herself. She said she took her eyes off the road for too long and the moment I woke up was when she realized she had lost control. I held on to my life, if that makes any sense. I held on to something inside of me that seemed like it would fly away. When the back of the car hit the mail box it sounded like a gunshot and what I thought was dirt came over my shoulders and fell all over my neck and chest. And then we just stopped.

I could smell the burning rubber and in my delusional mind I thought the car was going to explode so I screamed "Shameika get out of the car!!" and I was out in half a second, Shameika said she forgot how to take off a seat belt. But outside of the car was scarier than the possible death by explosion on the inside- we were in the middle of the road with darkness all around us. Every f*&king scary movie that I had ever watched came back to me and I jumped back into the car. "Who should I call?" "Call 911" I said just so we could have some protection. That had to be the worst part of it all, the hopelessness. I had no idea how we were going to make it from that point, one of the back wheels came off so we were stuck, so I prayed. Gladly the people who lived right in front of where we stopped came out and helped until the wrecker came to take us home. But that hopelessness was so deep, that fear so great that I will have that moment forever marked in my mind. I never want to feel so stuck out again in my life.

What I thought was dirt was really glass. I'm still finding it in my hair and in my bra and even in my underwear. I saw it in my seat when I first jumped out of the car but my mind couldn't register what it was so I didn't try to figure it out. It wasn't until I went to get a jacket out of the back seat that I realized that the window was gone and that the dust on my chest was sharp.

Things I learned from this experience: I'm really irrational, I maybe a little psychic, I'm over dramatic, and like the guy who helped us said, "There are a lot of things you shoulda, could've done, but there's always something you can't undo."

Remembering...

Lately I've been diving deeper and deeper into my memories trying to find out what makes me tick. With my psychosis becoming more and more prominent with each passing year, I fear that I will loss myself if I don't learn how to remove myself from these continuing ruts. You know the ones: relationships, self esteem, sex.
So I dive....

I want to know why I am afraid of men. What in my past makes me go into a state of panic whenever one of them shows the slightest interest or when I feel like they are judging me in a sexual way.

I am not a lesbian. Trust me I've considered it, but that's just not what I'm in to. I long to be with a man. I want to be intimate with someone. I want to belong to someone. But I fall apart.

So I try to remember when it began. Was it seeing my older cousin's penis when I was little? His penis seemed like a monster. I had never seen one before, he was sleep and it was out. I imagined that it was in fact an octopus because it seemed like it had more than one head. It was so ugly. Later that day he would chase me, I screamed-afraid of the monster. And he laughed like an evil Disney character. I think that this is the root of my fear of men because it is the memory that I am drawn to the most.

So basically I am a little girl running scared of the penis monster. Truthfully, I have never had a boyfriend. I have recently discovered that I am ugly by choice. Hear me out first before you call the mental ward. I am pretty, but I don't want anyone else to see. So I hide myself under fat, bad clothes and hair. Self made ugly, it's so safe. No one wants to rape you when you're undesirable. I tried to explain this to a friend the other day and she laughed. She doesn't understand that this is the key to all my pain. I wanted to let her look into this darkness I live in, a place no one knows exists. This is the source of all my depression. Now in plain writing. I think it was just that I didn't have the words to explain that I don't want to be beautiful because it comes with so much danger.

My friend Crystal wants so badly for me to have a boyfriend. She thinks I'm lonely [I am lonely], but I don't know how to tell her what I've just told you. Lonely....lonely....it's strange to think that I'm lonely, but I am. I have no one to tell these things. I am lonely in a world filled with millions. Sigh, I am the little girl running from the penis monster.