Well, it's been awhile people. I thought the Thanksgiving Holiday would give me ample time to write but WRONG! My grandmother took the computer down and it took me until today to get her to let me put it back up. I have been writing on PAPER! AAHHH! I wanted to work on my blog novel, but I knew that poor thing didn't have a chance when I began because I'm too much of a perfectionist to even be finished with the first chapter. But I will continue to work on it and maybe someday I'll let you guys read it. It's amazing how much of yourself you have to throw into a story to make it breath...It's like I'm writing a mini-autobiography except for the situation my character[Mia Jolie]is going through, but even that is sorta taken from my life. I love this damn story.

Worries

Damn I'm cursed with the ability to walk in on a conversation at the wrong time and hear something that I didn't want to hear. Today I heard that my cousin Kim is supposed to be fighting someone. Damn I shoulda walked home with her. What if it's happening right now? Man my yearly worries are coming up. You know that means, right? More Grey HAIR! Trust me I have enough. Oh, this girl will probably be the death of me. I try not worry by saying she can take care of her self, but that doesn't help. I guess I have to wait and see.

In the Library: God's Answer 5th period c.1:00 pm

Mrs. Pasho is away so we sit in the library for the day. The sky beyond the library's windows and the sky light in the hall is gray and cold, but sometimes weak spots in the clouds reveal a white hole in the sky. Perfectly round. It is God. As the light he radiates rains down on me, I imagine him saying "You can never fell in my eyes if you have tried. Remember I'll meet you half way". The light intensifies, it is like love warm and gentle on my soul that now dwells in a cold place. He approves of me. A bird passing through carries a faction of my burden away on his wings. The sky outside the windows is again gray and cold.

The Great Depression

It's starting. I can feel it in my bones and in my heart.
My senior year is almost half way gone and everyone is all ready starting to get into colleges. It's making me think about how much of a loser I am. About how I'm a failure in everything I do. Saling ads today, I sat in the back seat while Brittany and Alicia laughed and talked in the front seat. All I could think about was Anna getting into my dream school and Tiffany J. getting a full ride at Oklahoma State for basketball and I just keep thinking that I've wasted my life. All those times I passed up things because I was too scared and afraid of what other's would say. I want those times back and I know that I'm wasting more time longing for them. But the feeling won't go away. If you ask anyone about me, they will say that I'm a happy person. That's a GD front and it's getting harder to dissemble my feelings. I keep falling into these moments of severe selfdoubt and I keep wanting to just curl up in a corner and cry. Someone around me has to know what I'm talking about, but I have no one that I can just go up to and ask for help. My granny already thinks I'm crazy and everyone else will probably just tell me to not worry about it. But I do. About an hour ago I was in the shower when I felt like I was having a panic attack thinking about these things. Am I crazy? Is this just a normal thing that people go through at this point? Someone answer me. I'm sick of being alone in the silence.
Thank you. I had to get this off my heart.

peep into a conversation

I'm in computer lab (the) and it's after school and I'm going to tell you all the dumb shit Timothy says as it happens. Here on KMLH: Channel 37 News.

Okay as you join me, Timothy and Diego were just talking about Tim's going to New York b/c he think he can become a model. Right Now things are quet but I'll let you know when they come up again.

Earlier Tim was talkin' about giving his Dyke girlfriend Shamonica $30 dollars when she has a job.

Right now he's making stupid comments about never wanting to be in language arts. He has just tapped me on the shoulder to show me something a reference library about Oral Pleasure. His gay twang gets on my damn nerves. He does everything so damn melodramaticly that it could make a drama queen say grow the fuck up.

Okay this bastard just told me that Anna P. got into University of Texas at Austin when he knows that girl is my archnemasis. He only said it to get on my damn nerves.

That's enough for right now. I'm going home

XXX

Associates

Morons don't like to be called Morons
This weekend I've been feeling really crumby. It started on Friday. First Tim *cut-me-up and that was like a pimp slap to the face, I know it was wrong to make fun of him for not being able to rhyme, but I was only joking. After that my lunch associates made comments about me and my character, this started the old insecurity machine to working full blast again because I started to wonder if everyone else was thinking the same about me and I began to criticize everything about myself. I became very depressed and worn out after this and I went on a self-pity trip in which I came up with a list of all the things that I felt were wrong with me at the time:

1. I'm stupid
2. fat
3. ugly
4. childish
5. a hypocrite
6. I'm boring
7. I'm illiterate
8. I'm a fake
9. I can't write

Trust me, if I would have written this post on Friday or Saturday it would have been filled with truck loads of stuff, but I've calmed down since then. What really got me though was that they thought I was childish. I don't know why that hurt so bad, I almost started crying at the table but I played it off long enough for the bell to ring and then I scatted. Mrs. Pasho asked me if anything was wrong and I lied and told her I was sick. Those bitches.

Tim has been making extra stupid remarks to me lately. Now remember he is the homecoming king, right, well this pompous bastard keeps saying things like (make sure to add a gay twang as you read) - the king didn't say we could learn this or that -and- the king didn't tell you to speak. I almost kicked his blackican ass in English on Friday, but I told him off instead. That's probably why he cut-me-up. He thinks the crown makes him smarter than me, too. HA!! Dumass.

Today Ashlee W. , one of my lunch associates, came over my house very unexpectedly, I'm talkin' sitting - on - the - floor - with - my - hair - all - over - my - head - playing - Super - Mario - in - a - night - gown kind of unexpected. She came with my cousin Kim, who told me she had no idea she was gonna come to the house with her, and the whole time she was here she had this scrutinizing look on her face because the house wasn't in the best shape. The bitch actually remarked that being at my house made her feel not so bad about her house. How rude can you be? When I went to her house I didn't say anything about it smelling like urine, but I guess I'm just nice like that. The heffa also tried to get on me about not going to church. I say it's my business but Ashlee and Kim insist that I'm a sinner when they ain't no angels themselves. And they say I'm a hipocrite.

*(means to come back at harshly)

Republicans win the world's leading country! UN-BE-LIEV-ABLE!

x x xClinton Plz Return x x xWOW! BUSHY BOY really did it. I can't believe he won by so damn much. I thought old Kerry had him there for a minute but I guess not. Well I can tell you that my folks are completely pissed about the situation. The Great and Powerful Lord that is my uncle actually emerged from his fortress of solitude to proclaim to the world that a great injustice has fallen upon us. He and my grandmother have been screaming conspiracy every since. The funniest thing to me, though, about yesterday was the maps of the US that showed who had what. The damn things were so red it looked like a lamb had been sacrificed over us. Maybe a bad omen of what's to come. Who knows?

Bottom of the 9th

RIGHT NOW Kerry's on BET talkin' down on Bush and Bush is probably somewhere visa versa. God I want to know who it will be before anyone else. I'm thinking it's going to be Kerry , but then maybe Bush will get it by the skin of his teeth like he did last time.

In Yearbook, Mrs. Cook was going off about how she wasn't going to vote for Kerry because his wife "...is a goddam foreigner. Plus, she has ketchup plants all over the world, but do you think she's going to bring any of those goddam jobs to the United States? HELL NO!!" Mrs. Cook was extra steamy because Peter H. was telling her that democrats were good because they created welfare. Why did he say that? Mrs. Cook: "The only goddam reason they created welfare " Mrs. Cook said in that low voice white people get when they talk about black people, " was to create a way to keep black people down by making them think that they were being taken care of." Boy we got out of there quick, Mrs. Cook was still huffy when we left and she had a KNIFE: an exacto-knife she was using to cut open boxes like she was gutting a live fish.

One of my teachers (maybe Mrs. Cook also) brought up that people see the democratic party as for the poor and the republicans for the rich. *take note this is a good point. If that is true then how come each party has so much money to campaign? BUT we all know Kerry is poor down home man like all of us. [Man, I sure would like to be his kind of poor]
XXX