The Rut

My friend Danger says that I am caught in a rut. I laugh a little thinking of all the times I heard my grandma say that, RUT, and seeing the image in my head of a pig flopping around in a muddy ditch that this word conjures for me, but, for some reason, I don't think that's what she meant.... So since I'm in one now I decided to look it up and finally get a Webster's definition for it. I laugh again. The definitions that I get back are perfect in so many ways.

Definition 1: "a settled and monotonous routine that is hard to escape."
Perfect. I've dug a ditch for myself in this world and I continue to wallow in my muck of a life. The walls are coated in fears and that's why it's hard for me to climb out. They're slipper those fears, and sharp at the same time.

I was depressed the other day about a guy (of course) and I grabbed a Smirnoff (yes, Bitch beer) and some food and watched some TV. Danger, came over and, as she explained later, this new me scared the shit out of her. We've only been for real friends for like the past six months (a really great story goes with this that I'll have to recount later), but we have a really weird connection and we can read each other like books. She read the depression and turned off the TV and made me talk about it. I'm usually the one doing this so I felt very uncomfortable. I told her how I liked a guy, he liked one of my sorority sisters, and this brought up a lot of issues for me about self-esteem that were worse than I thought. I was so exhausted after our conversation, but from it I've recognized that I'm in this rut of liking men that are unobtainable so I can use that as an excuse when they don't come pick me up on a white horse because they didn't read the lust in my mind.

Danger posed a very interesting solution to this situation which leads to....

Definition 2: "a period of sexual excitement"

Danger said that I should sleep with her ex-boyfriend...........................
I looked at this bitch like WTF?
My good girl kicked in and said no right away. This idea was weird and I didn't even know this guy.
But my bad girl kicked me in my ass and screamed in my head "DO IT BITCH!" I silenced her like always. To many doubts to count kept me from letting her speak. The good girl wins again...hymen intact.

I think of the feelings I have every Fall. Like clock work I become excited about finding a boyfriend, starting a new semester....by the end of September this rut ends and I'm unsatisfied because the rut from Definition 1 has me still without a man. Long story short I'm sexually frustrated. Extremely sexually frustrated. There has to be another way than this to get out of the rut but I want to do it. If I don't: I'm stuck in the rut. If I do: I'm a Jezebel. But I challenged myself not to think of it as whoring out for some guy, I want to see it as "taking care of myself."

I laugh thinking of every time my grandmother has told me, "You need to take care of yourself better." I wonder what she would think if she found out how the corrupt new connotations her words possess now.