Remembering...

Lately I've been diving deeper and deeper into my memories trying to find out what makes me tick. With my psychosis becoming more and more prominent with each passing year, I fear that I will loss myself if I don't learn how to remove myself from these continuing ruts. You know the ones: relationships, self esteem, sex.
So I dive....

I want to know why I am afraid of men. What in my past makes me go into a state of panic whenever one of them shows the slightest interest or when I feel like they are judging me in a sexual way.

I am not a lesbian. Trust me I've considered it, but that's just not what I'm in to. I long to be with a man. I want to be intimate with someone. I want to belong to someone. But I fall apart.

So I try to remember when it began. Was it seeing my older cousin's penis when I was little? His penis seemed like a monster. I had never seen one before, he was sleep and it was out. I imagined that it was in fact an octopus because it seemed like it had more than one head. It was so ugly. Later that day he would chase me, I screamed-afraid of the monster. And he laughed like an evil Disney character. I think that this is the root of my fear of men because it is the memory that I am drawn to the most.

So basically I am a little girl running scared of the penis monster. Truthfully, I have never had a boyfriend. I have recently discovered that I am ugly by choice. Hear me out first before you call the mental ward. I am pretty, but I don't want anyone else to see. So I hide myself under fat, bad clothes and hair. Self made ugly, it's so safe. No one wants to rape you when you're undesirable. I tried to explain this to a friend the other day and she laughed. She doesn't understand that this is the key to all my pain. I wanted to let her look into this darkness I live in, a place no one knows exists. This is the source of all my depression. Now in plain writing. I think it was just that I didn't have the words to explain that I don't want to be beautiful because it comes with so much danger.

My friend Crystal wants so badly for me to have a boyfriend. She thinks I'm lonely [I am lonely], but I don't know how to tell her what I've just told you. Lonely....lonely....it's strange to think that I'm lonely, but I am. I have no one to tell these things. I am lonely in a world filled with millions. Sigh, I am the little girl running from the penis monster.