Where Have I Been?

Let's see, I've been in a constant state of going nowhere....I've been to the edges of my mind and I haven't gone back yet. In these last few months of my life I have discovered depression, sadness, pain, regret, and all those other negative emotions that I have avoided my whole life. Yes, the girl who always smiles has frowned, has wished she could rip through her skin with the sharpest thing she could find and watch it bleed. Just watch it and ponder the significance in its splashes. Yes, the girl who always smiles has laid in her bed at night and cried like a new born child for what...her mother, her sanity, her future...all those things that are out of her reach. Is this what it is to be fully human ??
See I've been trying this human thing out and, I've gotta tell ya, I just don't like it. All these emotions, all these moments of feeling out of control are just not for me. I want to be free of such things. I want to be numb like my mother, but she didn't pass that shit down. No, she only passed down her insanity and her war with gravity. It keeps pulling me...down, down, down possibly towards hell. I want to retreat back into a little shell that protects my body and especially my heart from being human...but the strength of the gravity keeps me in a constant state of going nowhere.