The Curse of the Black Woman Who Finds a Good Black Man

I'm in love with this Man....
His voice echos like African drums calling me home
His skin color seems to seep from his bones
in tones of the earth God made him from
And my heart lives in him
So he is what I call home.
I am in love with this Black Man....
I envy the air that expands his lungs
I long to be the cup that he sips from
I rejoice in his living
And I want to relieve the pain of all of his burdens.
I am in love with this Gay Black Man...
And I refuse to believe
I refuse to accept
I refuse to let go.
I am in love with a man....
He is just a man
He is not perfect
He is not mine,He will never be?
But you see, I am in love with this Gay, Black Man
And I want him to be in love with me

I am cursed. I seem to have an affinity for gay men. In one of my moments of over analyzing I came up with the theory that maybe I know that they are gay when I fall for them so that I won't feel so bad when I am rejected. Deep down I have to know, because...I just have to know. This last one was a shocker, Chocolate Papi, our nickname for him, is energetic funny intelligent well traveled well dressed beautiful smile beautiful bright eyes that blind me...maybe a little too much...and seemingly straight...in sum he is what I am looking for and I didn't know it until I met him. Upon our first one on one encounter he shattered the model of the man I thought I wanted and replaced it with himself. My infatuation started when he drove me home one weekend and for two hours straight I was blown away by this person, I laughed the whole time, we had conversations about everything, he listened to me talk about me....shit Monique how the fuck did we not know he was gay? I don't know, but I found out a few weeks ago. I keep the thought at the corner of my mind and I take it out for review when I'm bored. Which is quite often.

The sad thing is...I still want him. I still get this naked feeling when I'm around him. When he touches me, when he looks at me, when we talk it's like I am naked and he sees and knows all of me. And don't let me hug him: Full Frontal Nudity, Whoop! every time. Damn he feels sooo good.... Whew, I'm back. Got lost for a moment. Anyway, I try to tell myself that he is gay and that he likes dick and he kisses dicks and all this other stuff but IT DOESN'T WORK!! I want all of him, I don't want him to complete - I just want him to compliment.

Maybe I'm gay. Maybe I like gay men because I like femininity, therefore, I like women. I don't need any Internet philosophers to check the validity of the statement, I don't care if it's sound or not, I just want someone to lift this curse off of me. OR turn me into a man. That's it! That's the solution to all my problems. If I'm a gay black man then I won't have problems finding a good black man because they're all GAY!! I'm sorry, I'm trying to keep my sanity at this point because the thought of my Chocolate Papi with him [I've seen the guy] drives me up a wall. When I first found out I wrote a poem entitled "Homo, O Homo" because I was so frustrated by another good black man being gay. I read it at a poetry reading and received a big response about how real it was, mostly from the women in the crowd. I guess I'm not the only person that has been through this situation. I don't claim to be a great poet but I feel that I am OK. Here's the poem, I apologize if this offends anyone but this is just how I felt at the moment:

Homo, O Homo
Where for art thou a Homo?
Deny thy urges and refuse they ways
Or if thy will not..
Just tell me why you gotta be gay!
Now I can handle almost any abnormality of the personality
and let love rationalize it away,
But you Gay!
I know that might be a rude way for me to say what's on my mind
But why should I extend it out three or four lines
when one word will do just fine?
You're Gay! You are gay.....
And every time I say it, my world shakes a little bit more
Especially since I was so dang sure that you wasn't
You didn't resemble the composite of a down low brother
You had a swagger not a sway
Your hands moved in a Conservative way
Just perfect in every way....
But I found out the other day.....Damn you're Gay!

I was actually asked to read it again the next time I went. I was proud, but I was in so much pain. I talked to him today. First I was gonna send him a text, but for some reason it didn't work so I had to call him to tell him Merry Christmas.This fool was talking about how he'd beat me up if I would've sent him a text, he said he was too good for that. The last thing he said to me was "I love you" and I replied so easily "I love you, too." without a thought, just a feeling and a smile. *Sigh* Why do all the good ones have to be gay? Damn.